An A-Bomb of Clarity.

Pardon the violent connotation associated with the title of this post, but I did it for a reason.
You see, today I went through a series of ups and downs. I started my day with a bitter and determined resolve to get all the shit that left me Sleepless-in-a-Santa-Barbara-loft-bed out of my system and into the blogosphere. I meant every word of what I said in my last post, and felt a tiny morsel of relief after submitting it.

This morning:
I meandered aimlessly around my messy room--a cluttered reminder of the tornado of a weekend that I survived. Then I wandered into my car and found myself at Borders picking up a copy of a biography on Marilyn Monroe. My little sister has only recently revealed her to be "numero uno" and I truly agree. Plus, if there's any way to feel infinitely better about my current situation, reading about the life and secrets of a misunderstood, bipolar, sexually abused and tragically beautiful Hollywood starlet definitely takes the cake.

I did my little emo thang and listed to Rihanna's Rated R album on my way to work at the Meat Market.

(No seriously, I work at a catering company called Country Catering and Meat Market....this is not a euphemism for a prostitution ring....sorry to disappoint).

Let me tell you, there's something truly mentally liberating in the action of slicing tri tip. I get my deepest thoughts and best ideas at the slicer, which kind of scares me 'cause shit, what am I going to do when I don't have one of those monotonous tools to aid my day dreaming? Maybe I'll buy one for my house on eBay.

At the slicer and between hot pastrami sandwiches, I found myself reflecting on something that I shall credit to my friend/coworker Sarah's father. He said

"I think that heaven and hell all come down to the last five minutes of your life. If in your last few moments, you look back on your life and are satisfied and happy with it--that's heaven. If you look back with regrets and unhappiness, that's hell"

or something to that effect. Remembering this fun-sized bit of wisdom was the catalyst of the A-Bomb of clarity that was about to hit...It set the stage for a change of heart. I started thinking about all of the good things that I have going in my own life: great friends, a wonderful family, good health, intelligence, no addiction problems, and an-almost-BA-in-a-totally-useless-field....and I started thinking, "eh, to hell with all those guys, I'm set!"

Then Fernando, a guy who has blessed me consistently with his crude and yet indispensible wisdom said

"Seriously, stop frowning....unless you got the clap, there's no reason for you to be mad"

That was when the bomb was dropped. He's right!

I didn't walk away from this with any communicable diseases...In fact, I walked away calmly and gracefully in a pair of strappy five inch Guess heels. In spite of all my internal wretching, I smiled assuredly and wished him the best.

This meat-market-moment of simplicity mushroom-clouded into the realization that even though my friends and I got played like Hendrix's guitar (pre-breaking) in our most recent romantic (or not-so-romantic) affairs, we came out of them with our pride. And with the full knowledge that we won't allow any such things to happen again.

For now, cynicism can be my saving grace but quiet acceptance of the past will let me move on, no regrets.

'Cause who wants those?